I am naturally such a negative person: “I should do better, I can\u2019t do that, why did I do that, why didn\u2019t I\u2026”the list is automatic and tireless. It\u2019s just my normal internal dialogue and has been as long as I can remember.\u00a0<\/p>\n
But my self talk turns to pride just as quickly: my response has always been to determine to do better, try harder, work more, strive and somehow succeed\u2026even if it means beating myself (or others) up to get that result.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Interestingly, the way I naturally presented to others was another expression of pride: self confidence, success and out-right arrogance. I had nothing to be proud of, but that didn\u2019t change anything.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Outwardly I could achieve anything and do no wrong, inwardly I was in constant stress, anxiety & eventually depression, though I would never admit it. Even when things finally got to a point that I could not go on, I would only admit it to myself for fractions of a second before the defences and suppression kicked in.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Being charged with crimes or business set backs or injury: The police, the laws, the council, the customers, the neighbours were all bad, tainted or even out to get me. It could *not* be anything to do with me!\u00a0
In relationships, I did nothing wrong – it was *always* the other person fault.
Even when I wiped out on a motorbike during a high speed chase after drinking, injuring someone: Everyone elses fault. Blame & attack the police, the road conditions, the bike – anything but myself.\u00a0<\/p>\n
But when God showed up, I was floored. I suddenly had no argument. I *knew* I had no defence, no justification and I could see I actually deserved not just punishment, but death. I had broken His law, I had ignored & hated Him, I had wronged His people and essentially stuck my finger up at the God who gave me life, protected me and loved those I treated so badly.\u00a0<\/p>\n
\nBut when God showed up my mouth was stopped<\/i><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
In this moment of clarity and state of awe, He showed me His heart: He didn\u2019t want to kill me like I deserved, He didn\u2019t want to punish me or anyone.<\/p>\n
He showed me Jesus: this same God who *knew* I would do all those bad things against Him, He knew I would hate Him, He knew I would mistreat His people, yet He willingly chose to love me and die in my place!\u00a0<\/p>\n
That event (on a trip to end my life) changed my whole life and trajectory HOWEVER the same old mechanisms often played out, though in much more mild or acceptable ways\u2026\u00a0<\/p>\n
I was still incredibly driven, negative of myself and put a lot of pressure on myself to perform. In a lot of environments this looked good and the results were desirable – but underneath still destructive. I am still dealing with this and have a long way to go, but this week, again, God \u2018forced\u2019 me to see things differently\u2026\u00a0<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
> A friend (who may have had similar thought processes to me), ended his life. I found out early and was not looking forward to phoning his brother. I mean what could I say? That I\u2019m sorry I should have known? How I should have tried harder? Reached out to him more? I had many negative thoughts and underlying grief when I finally made myself ring.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Peter (not his real name) answered:
– “Who\u2019s this?”
– “it\u2019s just Adam Peter”
– “Adam? Adam: the man who led my brother to the Lord, so he\u2019s now with King Jesus instead of in hell?…”<\/p>\nHis words unravelled me a bit. I was expecting anything except something positive. He said a number of things and how the family was grateful for the extra time & changes in his brother. I was forced to remember how Jesus had uplifted him and helped through an incredibly hard valley, but before this I could only see negative.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I was again humbled at how God is at work even in the lowest and hardest times, and it was evident in Peter and his family. It was a powerful conversation for me, all I could do was pray with Peter and encourage him. But his words have helped me at least balance my own regrets.\u00a0<\/p>\n
> Suddenly understanding (I should constantly but don\u2019t!) how difficult things are for my wife . Having to deal with a lot on different fronts, including a husband who is nothing like the man she married. The physical & emotional toil of that and parenting 6 children and living on a worksite etc etc and I am forced to see that this is not about \u2018being better, trying harder or getting more\u2019 but I have *a lot* to be grateful.\u00a0
She not only sticks around and forgives me, she is invested and works hard and schools the children and helps others. She even encourages me when I can\u2019t see anything positive. Amazing!\u00a0<\/p>\n> Hearing that one of my sons, who has done so well at Uni that he is being paid as a tutor, decided to sit the Gamsas to see what it is like so he is prepared for next year. But not just prep, he did so well that his letter of acceptance to medicine arrived today! What? This man, growing up in caravans, while building and with a running joke that our homeschool was \u2018home more than school\u2019, has secure foundation in God, walks morally and is following what God wants him to do. Amazing!\u00a0<\/p>\n
> Thinking of another son, who has incredible ability at everything he tries and could literally do any job or career he wanted. He has grown up building, welding, fixing and taught himself to do car body repair, spray painting and more and could earn anything he wanted. Yet he has stayed and helped at home with my incapacity, constantly sacrificing and working for the family without complaint. And continually has sacrificed his time to honour and serve God at church or camps or wherever the opportunity presents. This week he starts work experience which may lead to the apprenticeship he wants. Amazing!\u00a0<\/p>\n
> Hearing how my daughter is thriving as a police cadet: the continual stories and opportunities she has to give glory to Jesus is astounding. Even physically, I remember her challenges when young yet she thought God wanted her to pursue this path and she set he mind to it. Diligently training & running daily for SEVEN years, despite constant discouragement.\u00a0
Now, she is excelling in her squad and getting noticed on many fronts. Physically, she is 6th in a squad of 60 (only 5 men able to beat her)! Already, just a few months in she has a number of letters of commendation for going above & beyond. And, more importantly, she still has a desire to honour her King Jesus. Amazing!\u00a0<\/p>\n> And yet another son, who had a personality that drew Him to my destructive path, yet has humbled himself to God. Desiring to follow Jesus, he is open & honest about his faults & failures, humble to accept advice on many fronts despite his incredible natural talent and skill in nearly every area. He is currently stepping out on a path and the way he is doing it, I would think incredible if he had 10 more years of maturity behind him. Amazing!\u00a0<\/p>\n
> Two younger children who are approaching adolescence both with opposite personalities and having grown up in a much more erratic household. They are learning & growing despite the challenges and have hearts to love, respect and honour us, and have a desire to serve God. Their attitudes and resilience remind me of the older kids when they were younger, despite mine and my wife short-fallings. Amazing!\u00a0<\/p>\n
\nI am so proud\u2026of my wife and kids!\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
When I think of these things I am genuinely humbled BEFORE I even think about what I was like at 12, 17, 21, 23. Oblivious to so much, ignorant of the things that mattered, insecure in who I was. No morals at all, stealing and ripping people off, chasing the next high, and a deep seated hatred of my parents, authority and people in general. My goodness how could God reverse so convincingly such arrogance, baseless pride and evil IN ONE GENERATION???!\u00a0<\/p>\n
He has done (and is doing) what I could not (and still can\u2019t)!\u00a0<\/p>\n
#thankYouJesus<\/p>\n
I echo Pauls prayer:\u00a0<\/p>\n
\nWhen I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God\u2019s love and keep you strong. And may you have the power to understand, as all God\u2019s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.<\/i><\/p>\nEphesians 3:14-21 (NLT)\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
So today, I encourage myself (and you?!), to be grateful (as God commands us) and also show thanks to those around who may be struggling more than you realise. I could not be more thankful & proud of my wife & children, but I guess my natural way of acting, my priorities and speech don\u2019t always reflect that. I have much work to do, much growth to facilitate and much healing to receive. I must do better(!) but I know with out God\u2019s help I am helpless.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Lord, thankYou for who You are: especially Your loving kindness. It reaches to the heavens, but it has also reached this dead and dry heart. Help me to receive it and reflect it to others freely & fully, that they would know their value and the love You have for them. Please make my first response in all things to be Thanks.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n
#thankYouJesus<\/em><\/p>\n
\nDon\u2019t be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, be filled with the Holy Spirit, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs among yourselves, and making music to the Lord in your hearts. And give thanks for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.\u00a0<\/i><\/p>\n
Ephesians 5:18-20 (NLT)\u00a0<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
\nAlways be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again\u2014rejoice! Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon.
Don\u2019t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God\u2019s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.<\/i><\/p>\nPhilippians 4:4-7 (NLT)<\/i><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
I am naturally such a negative person: “I should do better, I can\u2019t do that, why did I do that, why didn\u2019t I\u2026”the list is automatic and tireless. It\u2019s just my normal internal dialogue and has been as long as I can remember.\u00a0 But my self talk turns to pride just as quickly: my response has always been to determine to do better, try harder, work more, strive and somehow succeed\u2026even if it means beating myself (or others) up to get that result.\u00a0 Interestingly, the way I naturally presented to others was another expression of pride: self confidence, success and …<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":2493,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[18],"tags":[101,168,21,26,24],"class_list":["post-2494","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-for-thought","tag-depression","tag-pride","tag-thanks","tag-thanksgiving","tag-thankyou"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.wildeden.com.au\/news\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/10\/screenshot_2210.jpg?fit=838%2C582&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/pasDCW-Ee","jetpack-related-posts":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wildeden.com.au\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2494","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wildeden.com.au\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wildeden.com.au\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wildeden.com.au\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wildeden.com.au\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=2494"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.wildeden.com.au\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2494\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2495,"href":"https:\/\/www.wildeden.com.au\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2494\/revisions\/2495"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wildeden.com.au\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/2493"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.wildeden.com.au\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=2494"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wildeden.com.au\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=2494"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.wildeden.com.au\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=2494"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}